I had to jump on here to share with you a light beam from within me today. If you’ve watched my recent Vlog (you can access it by reading my last post here and clicking on the link to take you through to my YouTube channel) then you will be aware of how I’m on a 30 day Feeling & Forgiving Sadhana (spiritual practice) after recently reaching a point where I said “ENOUGH! Something HAS to change within me. There has to be a better way”.
So today I woke up and said my morning prayer from A Course in Miracles
“Where would you have me go? What would you have me do? What would you have me say, and to whom?”
And I knew that even if I had a general plan for my day, I would be guided to all sorts of amazing and miraculous moments that would help me transform myself. And I ended up cleaning the bathroom. I always clean the bathroom in a particular way and in a certain direction around the room (Is this just me?) but today I totally switched things up. I did the complete opposite and focused on what I was doing in the moment. So for example, instead of whilst cleaning the tiles in the shower thinking about the other side of the room, I remained completely focused on just cleaning the tiles in the shower. I didn’t even think about cleaning the actual shower. Just the tiles. Just in the moment. I found that there was no sense of overwhelming dread of the sheer task ahead of me, I enjoyed the moment and I allowed the moment to unfold.
I was actually listening to a metaphysical lecture on my phone as I cleaned the bathroom and the true miracle didn’t happen until AFTER I’d finished cleaning the bathroom. But I believe that each step I took today cleaning that one room in my house led me to the miracle.
I was sitting in my bedroom listening to last few moments of the lecture and then I head two people who had called in to the speaker and although their story was different to mine, I recognised the pain, discomfort and desire to heal. One was a 14 year old girl who wanted to desperately change after her mom guided her to be in this place for the show, and the other was a woman who was suffering from an eating disorder but felt that although she could recognise the messages everyone else was getting, she couldn’t accept them for herself.
And I began to cry. I fully empathise with these two ladies, and I send them love, but I wasn’t crying for them. I was crying for me. I felt that 14 year old girl within me who had had her life ripped apart when people who were assumed to be her friends suddenly snapped and turned against her and then proceeded to threaten to kill her for no apparent reason. I cried for that 14 year old girl who tried to fight back by staying poised and doing the right thing, but in the end was forced to leave school and be homeschooled for 2 years. I cried for the girl who at 16 lost her father to cancer and had to grow up overnight because she put that demand on herself – to be an adult not a child. I cried for the woman in me who turned to food to comfort herself into feeling better about who she was.
And then I heard two words come out of my mouth amidst the tears and sobs – “I’m Sorry!”
In that moment I realised that this overwhelming sense of anger within me that caused me stress and to become overweight and unhappy was the desire to forgive myself for not speaking up for myself, for not honouring that voice within me, for not believing in myself and all I can do. And I told myself how sorry I am for letting myself down. And I vowed that I have my own back now. That 14 year old girl within me – I got it covered. I am all she needs to be strong, be happy and be enough in this world.
On day 13 of my 30 day Feeling & Forgiving practice, I forgave myself.
So my desire and question to you now is;
How can you forgive yourself today for something that is holding you back? How can you clean up your inner house and let your inner light shine? Please feel free to leave a comment below