LOVE : Conditional or Unconditional?
That is the question that I ask this week as I further my review of Loveability by Robert Holden for Hay House UK. And George shares with us the meaning of Self Love and how this has impacted upon his Loveability Journey.
George: Re-Conditioning my Loveability
Most people refrain from talking about self-love and many of them even think that it’s a sin or sign of selfishness to do so. Whenever I talk about self-love to friends and acquaintances they usually bring up the notion of narcissism and my self-love posts on my Facebook page never receive any likes. The reason most people resonate with such negative connotations of self-love is because their understanding of it is far-removed from its real meaning. Fortunately, Robert Holden dedicated four entire chapters on self-love, through which he explained with affable simplicity what it really means.
I’d like to begin this article by busting the most distorted of all self-love myths, the one which renders it an attribute of narcissism. In Robert’s words,
“Narcissus didn’t see the eternal loveliness of the Unconditioned Self. He was blind to the secret beauty we all share. Instead he was fixated with his ego-self and with trying to make himself more loveable than the rest of us… Narcissism may have the look of self-love, but really it is a compensation for the basic fear of not being loveable.”
Narcissism is, therefore, an absence of self-love and an insecurity that we try to compensate with over-the-top grandiosity and illusionary admiration of the persona we believe to represent our true self.
So, if narcissism has nothing to do with self-love, then what is it anyway? According to Robert, self-love is simply the understanding that we are pure-positive, all-loving and unconditionally worthy physical manifestations of love; we are love manifested in a physical form. Self-love is a genuine understanding of our inclusion in the intelligent stream of consciousness that is God, and therefore a deep sense of appreciation for the miracle that we are and our purpose in sharing that love with the world.
As a child and teenager I always felt I was different from everybody else, and my inability to embrace my unique loveliness led me into a path of guilt and self-resentment. For years I tried to monitor the way I looked and acted in a desperate attempt to feel accepted in a world of stereotypes, yet however much I tried I still felt unfulfilled. To a certain degree, this is what many people experience as they subconsciously allow themselves to become influenced by other people’s opinions about them, giving them permission to train them into conditional love. From a young age we learn the art of judgment, and so our loveliness becomes dependent on other people’s responses, rules and regulations until we reach a point where we lose our authenticity and settle for a permanent “acting” career.
It was the realization of this conditional love that somehow manages to sneak into our subconscious mind that struck me the most in this second part of the book, for I was under the impression that I had already dealt with it in the past. Yet I found myself identifying with the “Good Child,” the “Helping Child” and the “Star Child”; which according to Robert, are all roles that we play in our relationships in order to behave instead of be loveable. Grateful that I caught my ego’s wickedness before it got deeper into my consciousness, I found comfort in the beautiful prayer Robert closes this part of the book that did wonders in reawakening me to my unconditional self-love and worthiness:
O God, help me to believe the truth about myself
No matter how beautiful it is!
George Lizos is a Cypriot, Bristol-based Spiritual Life Coach teaching about love, happiness and self-empowerment. George believes that we are the creators of our own future and his coaching incorporate a multiplicity of spiritual modalities aiming at healing and self-empowerment, urging people to take a conscious hold over their future and be the powerful creators they always intended to be.
For more information visit George’s website, Metaphysical Me or join him on Facebook for daily guidance and inspiration.
Dawn : Love is not a Maybe Thing – Love is Unconditional
Dear Love Within,
Having completed the reading of Part 2 of Loveability I have to congratulate you on the week you have had. You have proven that when you show up for Love, Love will undoubtedly show up for You.
Reading about the Childhood messages that we receive about Love from our parents, family members, friends, teachers and the media really made me think about the energy I’m putting out into the Universe that impacts upon others. In my line of work as Life Coach and a Primary School Student Teacher, I have a responsibility to ensure the future generations hold the correct Loveability in their hearts.
I can be so easy to ‘punish’ a child for doing wrong, and ‘praise’ a child for doing right, but should a child only feel love on a conditional basis? I don’t think so. I have made it my mission this past week to up my ante on giving unconditional love to all I come into contact whether it be a child at work, a colleague, a coaching client, a friend, my pets and even on my social media.
Love should not be conditional! Love is Unconditional and this old programming of “Do this and then I will….” needs to be thrown to the incinerator.
I was lucky as a child to have parents who loved me no matter what; I was never told I was stupid, ugly, lazy or given conditions to receive love. I was treated like a person made of Love, by people who were made of Love, not like a dog who gets rewarded for performing a ‘trick’. My teachers were always supportive of me; I was consistently and constantly praised by family, friends, teachers and especially my parents. My Dad would always praise me to everyone he met and spoke to, and also to myself and my Mum. I used to find it embarrassing as any child would at times, but now, as I grow up I am eternally grateful for the Loveability my parents had and have. I’m grateful that they loved themselves enough to see the love within me every single day of my life.
I was given the best tools to have a strong foundation of self-love, and it’s my responsibility to ensure that I use them.
Robert Holden says of conditional love; “With conditional love, we are not loved for who we are; we are loved for how we behave. So we become little actors, and we take on childhood roles in order to survive and to feel okay about ourselves.”
Reading this made me immediately think of Shakespeare (known for his famous romance play; Romeo and Juliet), when he said in “The Merchant of Venice”; “All the world is a stage, and we are merely players.” It also made me think of my studying of Psychology at university when I was taught about personas and how we have little compartments in our brains chemical systems that literally file away our experiences into categories to help us define life in the future.
How wrong is it to think that an innocent child (we are all one, and were one) should grow up with these chemical reactions going on in their brain that gives them conditions on how to receive love? It makes my heart very sad to think that this is what is happening every single day of our lives. Yes the world is a stage for our growth, development and fulfilment, but as we are each on our journey to seeking light, we can at the very least own our stage and be players of HUGE Loveability!
So, Love Within; remember the tools that your childhood gifted you for life, and share the Love and Miracles, wherever you go. You are loveable, “whether someone loves you or not has no bearing on how loveable you really are.”
“The ego does not love you. It is unaware of who you are.” ~ A Course in Miracles
Dawn Brierley believes in miracles and expects miracles, and is a Life Coach and CEO of Celestial Life Coaching which promotes the message of “Raise Your Standards and Make the Decision to Change your Life” whilst working with a metaphysical energy. She is an avid student of A Course in Miracles, loves Meditative Chanting, has become a lover of Yoga. She loves all books and believes in Universal Spirituality with her main practices being from Kabbalah, and Hinduism. She has just launched her Miracle Coaching Tree basic package for $60.
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I hope you join us again next week; Monday 8th April for Part 3
Feel free to join in with us, by purchasing your copy of Loveability
Loveability : Knowing How to Love and Be Loved by Robert Holden Ph.D
Published by Hay House UK
RRP £ 10.99 / Hay House £8.79